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Adult Sex Education
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Sex Education: It's Not Just For Teenagers Anymore...
Promoting education based on pleasure, not fear, or judgement.
The best part of learning about 'SEX' is you with Love the Homework.
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- Misty Leah @MistyLeahHow do porn stars clean their body (internally), including the penis and vagina?
https://www.quora.com/How-do-porn-stars-clean-their-body-internally-including-the-penis-and-vagina![How do porn stars clean their body (internally), including the penis and vagina?
https://www.quora.com/How-do-porn-stars-clean-their-body-internally-including-the-penis-and-vagina image]()
2 Likes 0 Tokens 1 Comments 0 Shares - Misty Leah @MistyLeahThe hymen, or more accurately the vaginal corona, is a stretchy piece of tissue that's most likely a remnant from fetal development.
This mucous membrane may be tightly or loosely folded. It could be slightly pink, almost transparent, or if its thicker it may look a paler or whitish. It might be insignificant or even completely absent at birth.
It can be lots of things but it isn't the boundary between guilt and pleasure that it's so often assumed to be.
Comprehensive sexuality education is important for a whole range of reasons. Providing accurate information about bodies, that's removed from sociocultural ideas of purity and acceptability is at its core. This means unpacking where the myth of the hymen came from and who that myth has served (hint it wasn't for the benefit of people with vaginal coronas!!).
Sexuality education is a social justice issue.
#SexEd #sexologist #sexualityeducation #sex #sexuality #sexualrights #sexedisasocialjusticeissue #decolonisesexuality #hymen #genderequality #pleasureisprogress #anatomy #patriachy #purityculture![The hymen, or more accurately the vaginal corona, is a stretchy piece of tissue that's most likely a remnant from fetal development.
This mucous membrane may be tightly or loosely folded. It could be slightly pink, almost transparent, or if its thicker it may look a paler or whitish. It might be insignificant or even completely absent at birth.
It can be lots of things but it isn't the boundary between guilt and pleasure that it's so often assumed to be.
Comprehensive sexuality education is important for a whole range of reasons. Providing accurate information about bodies, that's removed from sociocultural ideas of purity and acceptability is at its core. This means unpacking where the myth of the hymen came from and who that myth has served (hint it wasn't for the benefit of people with vaginal coronas!!).
Sexuality education is a social justice issue.
#SexEd #sexologist #sexualityeducation #sex #sexuality #sexualrights #sexedisasocialjusticeissue #decolonisesexuality #hymen #genderequality #pleasureisprogress #anatomy #patriachy #purityculture image]()
0 Likes 0 Tokens 0 Comments 1 Shares - Misty Leah @MistyLeahWhat To Think About Kink: Adjusting To A Partner’s Niche Sexual Desires
by Emmeline Peaches
Despite the myriad of sexual fetishes and accessories that are now being discussed and explored in our tech-based age of information, most of us are still having sex with what nature has provided (and maybe a dildo or two).
Sex can be augmented, but when most of us first approach it there’s typically more of a focus on our bodies, our mutual desires, and the go-to sexual acts and positions that pretty much everyone has heard about.
So, if on one intimate evening your partner confines in you that they’d like to be penetrated from behind with a strap-on while you spank them and call them a good little sub you’d be confused for thinking ‘…Wait, what?’
When The Kink Closet Opens
The action is often referred to as ‘pegging’, at least when it comes to heterosexual partners, and is the sexual act of a woman penetrating a man with a strap on. ‘Strap-on sex’ is the more gender inclusive term, but it may not turn up as many Google searches initially.
And that might be your first reaction when being presented with a partner’s unexpected sexual fetish: ‘I have no idea what they’re talking about. Why did I ban smartphones in the bedroom? I need to Google this shit!’ etc.
If that is your first thought then great! That shows that, despite where your head might be right now, your first desire is to know more, rather than to shame your partner or have a knee-jerk negative reaction – which is, in the defence of anyone who initially reacts this way, easier said than done.
Sex is something very personal and intimate. It’s something we often gain our own personal style with – which we consider ourselves confident in – and we feel like our expression of desire is what our partner wants.
To hear that, actually, what they want is something else, something you’ve never even heard of, let alone have any experience in, isn’t just an information clash, but also a sexual revelation: your partner wants something very specific, and you have no clue how to provide it, or if you’d even want to. That’s scary and it can feel like a personal blow.
Flipping The Coin
If you’re feeling daunted at your partner’s kinky reveal then sometimes the best initial reaction is to proceed with a sense of empathy.
This is strange to you, scary, and you’ve probably got a bit of mental and sexual whiplash occurring, but what about them?
To have a kink that is not necessarily ‘mainstream’ can, itself, be a very isolating and fear-inducing situation, but to reveal it to others? That can take nerves of steel, especially if you care about that person and are worried about how they might react.
Take strap on sex as an example. Nowadays it’s becoming more visible in sex stores, and has even featured in popular movies (think Deadpool) but usually it’s still the butt of a joke (pun intended, and illustrating the point) and can be used as a point of ridicule.
Many people still associate men who like anal sex with homosexuality or a lack of masculinity. The fact that the P-Spot resides in the booty and that anal sex can allow partners to explore new power dynamics is beside the point. There’s still a lot of deep-seated prejudice against kinky loving, and that means that admitting to finding such acts a huge turn on comes with a lot of mental baggage.
And that’s the tame stuff: imagine if a partner approached you about crossdressing, pet play, an interest in being an adult baby, or a desire to explore urethral sounding. That’s a whole lot of topics that are difficult to explain, come with huge social stigmas, and, even when explained, may just be too uncomfortable for many.
Yourself potentially included.
The Solution?
Okay, so your partner has just confessed to you their deep dark sexual desire and you’re completely lost and overwhelmed. Now what?
Hopefully, you’re able to recognise that your initial confusion is understandable and not a negative reflection of you as an individual. You’ve also, fingers crossed, taken that initial reveal with empathy and have already started asking questions.
If not, the initial work will be to mend the emotional damage that any negative reactions may have caused.
In any instance, it’s important to thank your partner for opening up to you. Communication is so important in a relationship, and to be so sexually honest is a big relationship milestone.
Next calmly explain any emotions that you may be going through. Make sure that you use language specific to how you’re feeling and why that might be informing any difficulties you’re having. Make it clear what you want from your partner and the positive outcome that you’re hoping to achieve from having your apprehensions or questions answered.
An example of this would be as follows;
‘Thank you so much for letting me know that you’re in to puppy play. I must admit, I’ve never heard of it before and so I’m not really sure what to say. The link towards animals makes me a bit nervous, perhaps you could tell me a bit more about what’s involved? That was I can get a better idea of how I feel and what it is you like about it’
Of course, how you go about things will depend on your relationship with your partner and the ways you best communicate, but you get the gist.
The next important step is to do your research. Many people find it helpful to ask their partner a few initial questions first and then to go off and do some research on their own for a while before regrouping to discuss things further.
This isn’t to discourage looking in to things together – that’s actually recommended later down the line – but at first it’s important that you give yourself the space to get to grips with this formerly unknown kink or sexual action before feeling like someone else is dictating it to you.
Even in the kink world, we all have our personal ideas of what exactly constitutes any given fetish, so don’t be afraid to get a variety of views before then talking to your partner about how their experiences compare. This will settle both your minds and give you better footing when you do then go searching for information together, making the experience mutual rather than creating a student/teacher vibe.
Trying It Out?
If your partner has confided in you about their sexual desires then they’ve most likely done so with the hope that you’ll participate in some way or learn to love what they love.
Let us be clear here: You have no obligation to try any sexual act or kink that you’re not comfortable with, and a lack of trying does not make you a bad partner.
If you look in to something and you feel like it’s not for you then you shouldn’t feel pressured in to doing it. Use the above-mentioned tactic to explain your feelings and why you can’t get involved. This may be instantly respected or it may be followed by a difficult relationship conversation, that we can’t predict, but the important thing is that you didn’t feel forced into a sexual act you weren’t happy with.
If, however, you do want to give it a go then, congratulations! The approaches you’ve taken above will have put you in a good position to take things to the next step with your partner: field research.
Plan any kink sessions prior to trying them, at least for the first time, so that you both know roughly what to expect. Don’t be afraid to admit any apprehensions but, remember, this can be a normal part of sex (it certainly is for any first-timer). Take the experience as it comes and support each other as you go along. If you need to stop then stop. Breaks are also good to have.
If you respect each other’s boundaries and move forward with mutual understanding then we feel confident that you can master the introduction of any new kink in to the bedroom.
Oh, and if you didn’t know about pegging before then you do know. Huzzah for sexual milestones!
Source: https://g-silicone.com/2017/09/17/niche-sexual-desires/![What To Think About Kink: Adjusting To A Partner’s Niche Sexual Desires
by Emmeline Peaches
Despite the myriad of sexual fetishes and accessories that are now being discussed and explored in our tech-based age of information, most of us are still having sex with what nature has provided (and maybe a dildo or two).
Sex can be augmented, but when most of us first approach it there’s typically more of a focus on our bodies, our mutual desires, and the go-to sexual acts and positions that pretty much everyone has heard about.
So, if on one intimate evening your partner confines in you that they’d like to be penetrated from behind with a strap-on while you spank them and call them a good little sub you’d be confused for thinking ‘…Wait, what?’
When The Kink Closet Opens
The action is often referred to as ‘pegging’, at least when it comes to heterosexual partners, and is the sexual act of a woman penetrating a man with a strap on. ‘Strap-on sex’ is the more gender inclusive term, but it may not turn up as many Google searches initially.
And that might be your first reaction when being presented with a partner’s unexpected sexual fetish: ‘I have no idea what they’re talking about. Why did I ban smartphones in the bedroom? I need to Google this shit!’ etc.
If that is your first thought then great! That shows that, despite where your head might be right now, your first desire is to know more, rather than to shame your partner or have a knee-jerk negative reaction – which is, in the defence of anyone who initially reacts this way, easier said than done.
Sex is something very personal and intimate. It’s something we often gain our own personal style with – which we consider ourselves confident in – and we feel like our expression of desire is what our partner wants.
To hear that, actually, what they want is something else, something you’ve never even heard of, let alone have any experience in, isn’t just an information clash, but also a sexual revelation: your partner wants something very specific, and you have no clue how to provide it, or if you’d even want to. That’s scary and it can feel like a personal blow.
Flipping The Coin
If you’re feeling daunted at your partner’s kinky reveal then sometimes the best initial reaction is to proceed with a sense of empathy.
This is strange to you, scary, and you’ve probably got a bit of mental and sexual whiplash occurring, but what about them?
To have a kink that is not necessarily ‘mainstream’ can, itself, be a very isolating and fear-inducing situation, but to reveal it to others? That can take nerves of steel, especially if you care about that person and are worried about how they might react.
Take strap on sex as an example. Nowadays it’s becoming more visible in sex stores, and has even featured in popular movies (think Deadpool) but usually it’s still the butt of a joke (pun intended, and illustrating the point) and can be used as a point of ridicule.
Many people still associate men who like anal sex with homosexuality or a lack of masculinity. The fact that the P-Spot resides in the booty and that anal sex can allow partners to explore new power dynamics is beside the point. There’s still a lot of deep-seated prejudice against kinky loving, and that means that admitting to finding such acts a huge turn on comes with a lot of mental baggage.
And that’s the tame stuff: imagine if a partner approached you about crossdressing, pet play, an interest in being an adult baby, or a desire to explore urethral sounding. That’s a whole lot of topics that are difficult to explain, come with huge social stigmas, and, even when explained, may just be too uncomfortable for many.
Yourself potentially included.
The Solution?
Okay, so your partner has just confessed to you their deep dark sexual desire and you’re completely lost and overwhelmed. Now what?
Hopefully, you’re able to recognise that your initial confusion is understandable and not a negative reflection of you as an individual. You’ve also, fingers crossed, taken that initial reveal with empathy and have already started asking questions.
If not, the initial work will be to mend the emotional damage that any negative reactions may have caused.
In any instance, it’s important to thank your partner for opening up to you. Communication is so important in a relationship, and to be so sexually honest is a big relationship milestone.
Next calmly explain any emotions that you may be going through. Make sure that you use language specific to how you’re feeling and why that might be informing any difficulties you’re having. Make it clear what you want from your partner and the positive outcome that you’re hoping to achieve from having your apprehensions or questions answered.
An example of this would be as follows;
‘Thank you so much for letting me know that you’re in to puppy play. I must admit, I’ve never heard of it before and so I’m not really sure what to say. The link towards animals makes me a bit nervous, perhaps you could tell me a bit more about what’s involved? That was I can get a better idea of how I feel and what it is you like about it’
Of course, how you go about things will depend on your relationship with your partner and the ways you best communicate, but you get the gist.
The next important step is to do your research. Many people find it helpful to ask their partner a few initial questions first and then to go off and do some research on their own for a while before regrouping to discuss things further.
This isn’t to discourage looking in to things together – that’s actually recommended later down the line – but at first it’s important that you give yourself the space to get to grips with this formerly unknown kink or sexual action before feeling like someone else is dictating it to you.
Even in the kink world, we all have our personal ideas of what exactly constitutes any given fetish, so don’t be afraid to get a variety of views before then talking to your partner about how their experiences compare. This will settle both your minds and give you better footing when you do then go searching for information together, making the experience mutual rather than creating a student/teacher vibe.
Trying It Out?
If your partner has confided in you about their sexual desires then they’ve most likely done so with the hope that you’ll participate in some way or learn to love what they love.
Let us be clear here: You have no obligation to try any sexual act or kink that you’re not comfortable with, and a lack of trying does not make you a bad partner.
If you look in to something and you feel like it’s not for you then you shouldn’t feel pressured in to doing it. Use the above-mentioned tactic to explain your feelings and why you can’t get involved. This may be instantly respected or it may be followed by a difficult relationship conversation, that we can’t predict, but the important thing is that you didn’t feel forced into a sexual act you weren’t happy with.
If, however, you do want to give it a go then, congratulations! The approaches you’ve taken above will have put you in a good position to take things to the next step with your partner: field research.
Plan any kink sessions prior to trying them, at least for the first time, so that you both know roughly what to expect. Don’t be afraid to admit any apprehensions but, remember, this can be a normal part of sex (it certainly is for any first-timer). Take the experience as it comes and support each other as you go along. If you need to stop then stop. Breaks are also good to have.
If you respect each other’s boundaries and move forward with mutual understanding then we feel confident that you can master the introduction of any new kink in to the bedroom.
Oh, and if you didn’t know about pegging before then you do know. Huzzah for sexual milestones!
Source: https://g-silicone.com/2017/09/17/niche-sexual-desires/ image]()
0 Likes 0 Tokens 0 Comments 0 Shares - Misty Leah @MistyLeahBREAKING THE CHAINS OF SEXUAL SHAME
by Violet Grey
Sexual shame is a hugely common issue for many people. We live in a society that sends shaming messages about bodies and sex constantly so when Violet Grey offered to write us a piece about it including ways in which we can challenge that shame we knew we had to take her up on the offer.
We are a society obsessed with sexual shaming. If it’s not how many people we do or don’t fuck, it’s in how we dress, how we act or if we have kinks, fetishes or an interest in BDSM.
Most of us have felt some form of sexual shame at some point, usually towards ourselves. I feel the stigma of sexual shame, and how it affects us, is important to talk about. Not only that, but how we can break said stigma, so we can have a healthier relationship with sex, our sexualities and ultimately, ourselves as a whole.
YOUR ‘NUMBER’ DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR WORTH
For context, I am a cisgender woman. So all my life so far, be it from a person, society or the media we consume, I see or experience some form of gender-based sexual policing, almost daily.
In my formative years, the most common shaming I saw was of women who had casual sex. They were shamed as having ‘no self-respect’, being ‘easy’ or a ‘whore’. It was common to be told by one person or another: ‘A man will always go after an easy woman, but he’ll never marry one’, in an attempt to protect me from society’s wrath towards women and their sexuality. Their well-meaning warnings made it very clear of how society saw me: Your value and being worthy of a man’s love depends on your sexual encounters.
Needless to say, as young woman, I soaked up this information like a sponge. I didn’t want to be ‘the girl with a reputation’. It wasn’t until I became an adult and gained a bit more life experience, when I realised just how ridiculous and harmful it was.
I also experienced shame for not having casual sex. I remember being told by a man who regularly had casual sex that I, ‘wasn’t trying hard enough to separate sex from love’ (the two are interlinked for me).
Like most women and feminine presenting folks, it’s easy to feel like no matter what you do, you just can’t win.
HOW SEXUAL SHAME IS WEAPONIZED
There’s so much information on this subject and its history that I could write an entire dissertation on the piece. So, keep in mind I’m only scratching the surface in how sexual shame runs deep in our societies.
It runs deep in all facets of life, both secular and faith-based. Various approaches to weaponizing this include using pseudo-science and religion to justify it. One prominent example is abstinence-only-until-marriage education, which champions damaging purity culture and is still in effect in various US states.
Famous examples in abstinence-only education include the ‘chewed up bubblegum’ analogy, usually referring to a woman’s virginity. It is taught that every time a woman has pre-marital sex (LGBTQ education is not mentioned, if not completely demonised) she is a piece of gum being chewed. And what man wants to marry a chewed up piece of bubblegum? *shudders*.
In secular and faith-based life, another prominent stance is the policing of women and feminine presenting people’s bodies in what they wear, under archaic reasoning of ‘immodesty’ (modesty is subjective) ‘not distracting the men’ or making men act a certain sexual way towards them. This paints them as rabid animals who can’t control their sexual urges, which is insulting for all parties.
And in one of its most insidious forms, it manifests in victim-blaming survivors of sexual violence. Victim-blaming is still prevalent, often heard in the form of: ‘What were you wearing?’, ‘Were you drinking?’ or ‘Can you blame him when you were dressed like a slut?’ to name a few, often traumatising survivors further.
To make this clear: Rape and sexual assault is not about sex. It is about control and asserting dominance through robbing someone of their agency in one of the most violating ways imaginable. I can’t believe we still have to say this: It is never the survivor’s fault.
OUR BODIES ARE OUR OWN
That’s the long, short and truth of it: our bodies belong solely to us. Our sexuality belongs solely to us. We are not the property of our families or spouses. We are not ‘chewed up bubblegum’ or ‘a dirty glass of water’. We are our own people with autonomy.
As well as practicing safe sex, autonomy and sex-positivity is choosing what is right for you. Whether that’s engaging in safe casual sex, you’re monogamous, polyamorous or want to only have sex when you’re married, who you share your sexuality with, between consenting adults of course, is entirely up to you. Or perhaps you’re asexual, aromantic, or both. Perhaps you want a partner where you share a platonic companionship. Either way, comprehensive and sex-positive approaches, rather than shaming, enables us to make healthier choices not just for us, but for others as well.
Once shame is ingrained into you it can be difficult to unlearn. But it can be done, and it can take time. Here are some ways we can break down Internalised sexual shame:
COMMUNICATION
I can’t stress enough just how important communication with a partner is. Forget about elusiveness or whether asking someone’s boundaries is ‘unromantic’. Showing you care about someone’s boundaries is not only sexy as hell, is shows you’re a decent human. Talking to our partners is so important both in and out of the bedroom.
What we like, don’t like, what me might be curious to try or what we absolutely will not do If there is something we are ashamed of that we want to change, i.e. performance anxiety, body-image, a medical condition that affects our sex lives i.e. vaginismus, erectile dysfunction etc. talking with our partners opens the doors to navigating new avenues of how we can modify sex/sexual play so we feel comfortable and safe.
And not just that, but communicating with ourselves if we feel safe or enjoy something. Not putting pressure on ourselves or beating ourselves up if we can’t do something. Everyone is different and that’s ok.
COMPREHENSIVE SEX EDUCATION
I firmly believe this, not just for young people, but for us as adults as well. We don’t stop learning about sex. Information from reputable, sex-positive educators can help tremendously in breaking down sexual stigmas.
Let’s face it, for a lot of us, our sex education in school and college wasn’t particularly great. It’s important to learn thoroughly about consent, sexual healthcare, STIs, safe sex, LGBTQ education and relationships.
Numerous studies have found that countries with comprehensive sex education (such as the Netherlands) have lower rates of teen pregnancy, STI contractions and abortion, as opposed to countries and states with no formal or abstinence-only education, with many people looking to porn to fill the gaps.
And on that note…
SEPARATING ONLINE FROM REALITY
As we know, porn is enjoyed by many and in professional settings, produced by talented production crews and performers. But these are very different to real life relationships, as it’s the depiction of fantasy. This gap however, is definitely not being bridged, at least not in the UK currently. Widespread discussion is still somewhat taboo.
Going back to comprehensive education, it’s important to know the differences between online adult content, and how sex and relationships work for the average Joe Bloggs on the street. This murkiness between fantasy and reality can reinforce negative perceptions of ourselves and sex i.e. negative body image, consent, perceptions surrounding condoms.
New Zealand has recently broached this topic in their Keep It Real Online campaign, offering help and information for parents, teaching their children these differences.
While porn in itself is not a bad thing (produced safely between consenting adults, of course) it’s important to recognise our personal responses to it. Some respond positively and some don’t.
Now, there are many ethical and feminist porn companies becoming more popular, with a diverse range of performers showcasing more realistic sexual content that viewers can relate to. Even then, we have to remember: we are watching a fantasy made especially for our viewing pleasure. Most of us don’t have fancy lights, cameras and a director every time we have sex.
IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP
Sometimes, we need a little extra help, and that’s ok. If you think something’s wrong, you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you think there’s a problem, consult your doctor. I know can feel scary and embarrassing, but they might be able to offer help and support if you need treatment, be for an infection, a mental health issue or an ongoing physical condition.
As well, a doctor or certified sex therapist may be able to hep with what you are experiencing, i.e. difficulty with orgasm, lack of libido, vaginismus and erectile dysfunction etc. Either way, you are not alone and there is no shame in seeking help if you are experiencing unhappiness, pain or distress.
You are not alone in experiencing sexual shame. By deconstructing it in a positive, judgement-free way, we can rebuild our sexual self-esteem and how we approach sex as a whole.
Source: https://g-silicone.com/2020/09/09/breaking-the-chains-of-sexual-shame/![BREAKING THE CHAINS OF SEXUAL SHAME
by Violet Grey
Sexual shame is a hugely common issue for many people. We live in a society that sends shaming messages about bodies and sex constantly so when Violet Grey offered to write us a piece about it including ways in which we can challenge that shame we knew we had to take her up on the offer.
We are a society obsessed with sexual shaming. If it’s not how many people we do or don’t fuck, it’s in how we dress, how we act or if we have kinks, fetishes or an interest in BDSM.
Most of us have felt some form of sexual shame at some point, usually towards ourselves. I feel the stigma of sexual shame, and how it affects us, is important to talk about. Not only that, but how we can break said stigma, so we can have a healthier relationship with sex, our sexualities and ultimately, ourselves as a whole.
YOUR ‘NUMBER’ DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR WORTH
For context, I am a cisgender woman. So all my life so far, be it from a person, society or the media we consume, I see or experience some form of gender-based sexual policing, almost daily.
In my formative years, the most common shaming I saw was of women who had casual sex. They were shamed as having ‘no self-respect’, being ‘easy’ or a ‘whore’. It was common to be told by one person or another: ‘A man will always go after an easy woman, but he’ll never marry one’, in an attempt to protect me from society’s wrath towards women and their sexuality. Their well-meaning warnings made it very clear of how society saw me: Your value and being worthy of a man’s love depends on your sexual encounters.
Needless to say, as young woman, I soaked up this information like a sponge. I didn’t want to be ‘the girl with a reputation’. It wasn’t until I became an adult and gained a bit more life experience, when I realised just how ridiculous and harmful it was.
I also experienced shame for not having casual sex. I remember being told by a man who regularly had casual sex that I, ‘wasn’t trying hard enough to separate sex from love’ (the two are interlinked for me).
Like most women and feminine presenting folks, it’s easy to feel like no matter what you do, you just can’t win.
HOW SEXUAL SHAME IS WEAPONIZED
There’s so much information on this subject and its history that I could write an entire dissertation on the piece. So, keep in mind I’m only scratching the surface in how sexual shame runs deep in our societies.
It runs deep in all facets of life, both secular and faith-based. Various approaches to weaponizing this include using pseudo-science and religion to justify it. One prominent example is abstinence-only-until-marriage education, which champions damaging purity culture and is still in effect in various US states.
Famous examples in abstinence-only education include the ‘chewed up bubblegum’ analogy, usually referring to a woman’s virginity. It is taught that every time a woman has pre-marital sex (LGBTQ education is not mentioned, if not completely demonised) she is a piece of gum being chewed. And what man wants to marry a chewed up piece of bubblegum? *shudders*.
In secular and faith-based life, another prominent stance is the policing of women and feminine presenting people’s bodies in what they wear, under archaic reasoning of ‘immodesty’ (modesty is subjective) ‘not distracting the men’ or making men act a certain sexual way towards them. This paints them as rabid animals who can’t control their sexual urges, which is insulting for all parties.
And in one of its most insidious forms, it manifests in victim-blaming survivors of sexual violence. Victim-blaming is still prevalent, often heard in the form of: ‘What were you wearing?’, ‘Were you drinking?’ or ‘Can you blame him when you were dressed like a slut?’ to name a few, often traumatising survivors further.
To make this clear: Rape and sexual assault is not about sex. It is about control and asserting dominance through robbing someone of their agency in one of the most violating ways imaginable. I can’t believe we still have to say this: It is never the survivor’s fault.
OUR BODIES ARE OUR OWN
That’s the long, short and truth of it: our bodies belong solely to us. Our sexuality belongs solely to us. We are not the property of our families or spouses. We are not ‘chewed up bubblegum’ or ‘a dirty glass of water’. We are our own people with autonomy.
As well as practicing safe sex, autonomy and sex-positivity is choosing what is right for you. Whether that’s engaging in safe casual sex, you’re monogamous, polyamorous or want to only have sex when you’re married, who you share your sexuality with, between consenting adults of course, is entirely up to you. Or perhaps you’re asexual, aromantic, or both. Perhaps you want a partner where you share a platonic companionship. Either way, comprehensive and sex-positive approaches, rather than shaming, enables us to make healthier choices not just for us, but for others as well.
Once shame is ingrained into you it can be difficult to unlearn. But it can be done, and it can take time. Here are some ways we can break down Internalised sexual shame:
COMMUNICATION
I can’t stress enough just how important communication with a partner is. Forget about elusiveness or whether asking someone’s boundaries is ‘unromantic’. Showing you care about someone’s boundaries is not only sexy as hell, is shows you’re a decent human. Talking to our partners is so important both in and out of the bedroom.
What we like, don’t like, what me might be curious to try or what we absolutely will not do If there is something we are ashamed of that we want to change, i.e. performance anxiety, body-image, a medical condition that affects our sex lives i.e. vaginismus, erectile dysfunction etc. talking with our partners opens the doors to navigating new avenues of how we can modify sex/sexual play so we feel comfortable and safe.
And not just that, but communicating with ourselves if we feel safe or enjoy something. Not putting pressure on ourselves or beating ourselves up if we can’t do something. Everyone is different and that’s ok.
COMPREHENSIVE SEX EDUCATION
I firmly believe this, not just for young people, but for us as adults as well. We don’t stop learning about sex. Information from reputable, sex-positive educators can help tremendously in breaking down sexual stigmas.
Let’s face it, for a lot of us, our sex education in school and college wasn’t particularly great. It’s important to learn thoroughly about consent, sexual healthcare, STIs, safe sex, LGBTQ education and relationships.
Numerous studies have found that countries with comprehensive sex education (such as the Netherlands) have lower rates of teen pregnancy, STI contractions and abortion, as opposed to countries and states with no formal or abstinence-only education, with many people looking to porn to fill the gaps.
And on that note…
SEPARATING ONLINE FROM REALITY
As we know, porn is enjoyed by many and in professional settings, produced by talented production crews and performers. But these are very different to real life relationships, as it’s the depiction of fantasy. This gap however, is definitely not being bridged, at least not in the UK currently. Widespread discussion is still somewhat taboo.
Going back to comprehensive education, it’s important to know the differences between online adult content, and how sex and relationships work for the average Joe Bloggs on the street. This murkiness between fantasy and reality can reinforce negative perceptions of ourselves and sex i.e. negative body image, consent, perceptions surrounding condoms.
New Zealand has recently broached this topic in their Keep It Real Online campaign, offering help and information for parents, teaching their children these differences.
While porn in itself is not a bad thing (produced safely between consenting adults, of course) it’s important to recognise our personal responses to it. Some respond positively and some don’t.
Now, there are many ethical and feminist porn companies becoming more popular, with a diverse range of performers showcasing more realistic sexual content that viewers can relate to. Even then, we have to remember: we are watching a fantasy made especially for our viewing pleasure. Most of us don’t have fancy lights, cameras and a director every time we have sex.
IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP
Sometimes, we need a little extra help, and that’s ok. If you think something’s wrong, you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you think there’s a problem, consult your doctor. I know can feel scary and embarrassing, but they might be able to offer help and support if you need treatment, be for an infection, a mental health issue or an ongoing physical condition.
As well, a doctor or certified sex therapist may be able to hep with what you are experiencing, i.e. difficulty with orgasm, lack of libido, vaginismus and erectile dysfunction etc. Either way, you are not alone and there is no shame in seeking help if you are experiencing unhappiness, pain or distress.
You are not alone in experiencing sexual shame. By deconstructing it in a positive, judgement-free way, we can rebuild our sexual self-esteem and how we approach sex as a whole.
Source: https://g-silicone.com/2020/09/09/breaking-the-chains-of-sexual-shame/ image]()
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